


Letting go

by Making_excuses



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: M/M, There is probably no happy ending, nor warnings, not a happy fic, so proceed with caution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-18
Updated: 2015-11-16
Packaged: 2018-04-21 10:28:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4825628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Making_excuses/pseuds/Making_excuses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone is telling Sebastian that he has to let Heikki go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As always thank you _[Ciro0](http://ciro0.tumblr.com/)!_

“You have to let Heikki go, Sebby.“ Christian said as he was studying me he was radiating sadness. I didn’t understand why he’d tell me to let my best friend go _again_. I thought I had made it clear that I wouldn’t switch out Heikki for a new trainer, _ever_. And as far as I am aware, I am the one who choose and hire my trainer.

“Why?” I asked, looking at Christian. He wasn’t just my team boss, he was like my second father and he always gave me good advice, but lately he had been obsessing over taking Heikki away from me.

“It is time Sebs,” Christian said, trying to catch my hand. I hid them both under the table. Noticing a loose thread on my shirt, I started fiddling with it, ignoring Christian.

“Why,” I repeated after a while. Clearly Christian wouldn’t just leave if I ignored him this time. Maybe if Christian could just explain it properly to me, I was sure I’d understand, but he was always so cryptic or he just straight up lied. Like when he explained that Heikki couldn’t be my physio anymore, that Antti would take over and train with me from now on, but I knew Heikki wouldn’t leave Red Bull, at least not without telling me first.

“You know why,” Christian answered. Clearly he wouldn’t explain the real reason to why he was telling me to fire Heikki. Maybe he knew about our relationship, and he didn’t want it to continue?

“He has a contract out this season, I am not forcing him to stay and he is my employee so why are you all trying to make me fire him?” I hissed, fed up with Christian telling me what to do. I just wanted some peace and quiet, and maybe spend some time alone with Heikki, before the race-weekend got so busy that I wouldn’t be able to catch a break. What was wrong with that?

“Just think about it, okay,” Christian smiled reassuringly, getting up from his seat. He bent down to kiss me on my forehead. Usually he only did that when I was feeling under the weather, but the gesture was always welcome so I just smiled, letting him leave. I had nothing to add to the conversation either way, and I was exhausted.

********  
“Sebastian,” Heikki whispered, stroking my hair, having lain down beside me on the bed.

“Heikki, Christian is telling me I have to fire you,” I almost stumbled over the words in my rush to tell Heikki what Christian was trying to make me do. I leaned into the familiar touch, Heikki's presence, as always, calmed me.

“You know if Christian thinks it is for the best that I leave, maybe he is right,” Heikki murmured, squeezing my fingers. His expression didn’t give me any clues on what his thoughts on the matter were.

“I don’t care what Christian thinks is for the best! I don’t want you to leave!” I answered. Pausing for a moment, I looked him in the eyes before I asked him “do you?” studying Heikki’s face for clues that he wanted to leave. Maybe Christian knew something I didn’t?

“I will never leave you, Sebastian,” Heikki said, leaving no doubt in my mind that he was telling the truth. He put his hand on my heart. Kissing me, he smiled down at me as I turned around, repositioning myself so I could rest my head on his chest.

“Promise?” I asked, clinging to Heikki, never wanting to let him go.

“I promise,” Heikki smiled. I listened to his heartbeat, the steady rhythm helping me fall back asleep.

********  
“Let him go,” Kimi stated, looking me in the eyes.

“Why?” I asked him, looking into his eyes as he was sitting across from me in my room. He must have snuck into the energy station, he had even changed out of his Lotus gear.

“Antti will take good care of you,” Kimi told me, trying to smile reassuringly, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

“I don’t want Antti,” I stated. I’d never want anyone else.

“I know, but let him try,” Kimi continued. He looked so sad, I couldn’t understand why he would be sad, he had his chance.

“Why?” I asked him, starting to gesture, but my arm was hurting me so I folded my hands in my lap instead, hoping Kimi didn’t notice it. I knew he’d just exploit it on the track. No matter how good friends we were, neither of us would ever be above using each other’s weaknesses as an advantage. I did it when Kimi’s back was hurting, and I am sure he would do it if he knew my arm was killing me.

“It is time,” Kimi explained. He still looked sad, why would he be this sad? He wasn’t the one who everyone kept telling that he had to let the most important person in his life go.

********  
“I missed you,” I told Heikki when he walked into my room, moments after Kimi left.

“I missed you too.” Heikki looked at me, his expression making me instantly feel a lot better, my conversation with Kimi all but forgotten. “And I’m sorry I had to leave you.”

“It’s okay,” I told him, and as always I meant it. He sat down on the bed beside me, pulling me to his side and I drifted off to sleep again.

********  
When I woke up Mark was sitting in the chair across from me, looking determined.

“Mark,” I looked at my team-mate, wondering why he’d come to my room, _again_.

“Sebastian, this is enough,” he stated. He didn’t look at me with the same sadness everyone else did, but there was something in his expression I just couldn’t read. Sometimes I missed how our relationship was before _multi 2-1_ , before all the rivalry took over and we couldn’t be civil to each other without a chaperone.

“What?” I asked him, enough winning? Enough beating him on the track? Enough sleep? What the fuck was he up to?

“Heikki is gone,” Mark stated.

“He will be back later,” I told him. I didn’t understand why Mark would care about Heikki’s whereabouts, he had his own trainer and his own friends, he didn’t need mine.

“Sebastian can you tell me where we are?” Mark changed the subject.

“Energy station, _obviously_ ” I stated. It was a stupid question, of course I knew that.

“Sebastian, look at your fingers,” Mark demanded. I put both my hands on the table. What game was Mark playing? Why would he want me to look at my hands, they were mine, I had no need to study them. “What do you see on your left arm, Sebastian?”

“My left arm,” I told him. Mark seemed to deflate a bit by my answer.

“Can you tell Heikki to come back for a bit?” he asked me, changing the conversation again, with what was another insanely stupid question, _of course_ I could.

“For sure, but why?" I asked, growing tired of Mark’s mind-games, but I saw no need to not cooperate just yet.

“I just need to speak to the both of you at the same time, you’ll understand then,” he explained, a hint of sadness in his eyes. Why was Mark sad? I knew he was leaving Formula 1 soon, but why would Heikki have anything to do with that?

“Ok, do you want me to call him?” I asked, getting my phone out of my pocket.

“You do that, Sebastian,” Mark told me. I looked down on my phone, typing in Heikki’s number from memory and dialing.

 _I can’t answer the phone right now, leave a message after the beep_. Heikki’s familiar voice told me. The phone didn’t even ring, so he must have turned it off.

“Heikki’s phone is off, he is probably busy,” I told Mark, refusing to worry about why Heikki would turn off his phone. He always turned it on silent, except when he was flying. Maybe he was leaving me after all? Maybe I wasn’t good enough for him, and Christian, Kimi and Mark just tried to protect me from getting my heart broken?

“Probably. I will see you later,” Mark answered, getting back up on his feet, nodding goodbye before exiting the room.


	2. Chapter 2

When I woke up I spotted Heikki sitting in my room, solving a crossword puzzle. I remembered the time he told me about why he did that. It was on one of our long flights in Kimi’s plane where we were all tired and just waiting to land and Heikki was sitting there, getting more and more annoyed by the crossword puzzle, until my curiosity got the best of me and I asked him why he was trying to solve it when he clearly didn’t enjoy it. It was then he told me about how his mother always used to solve them when he was younger and it was one of the few things he had left from her. That was the first time Heikki had ever told me something personal. Looking back at that plane ride, it was where our relationship really began.

“Where have you been?” I demanded when he didn’t look up after I made some noise to make sure he knew I was awake. I was still annoyed that he had turned his phone off earlier.

“I was talking with Christian,” Heikki answered, looking up from his crossword. His smile made me calm down even in times like these when I didn't want it to.

“Why?” I questioned. He had no reason to talk to Christian, did he?

“Contracts,” he explained, which was something Heikki probably did, because as always he did his best to protect me from the gritty world outside. Even if I didn’t need him to do that for me, it did make me feel loved and protected.

“Oh that reminds me, Mark wants to talk to us,” I said.

“Sure, about what?” Heikki asked, looking curious.

“I don’t know, he just said he needed to talk to both of us,” I explained. There was a knock on the door and Mark walked back into the room without waiting for an answer. It was quite typical of _the Aussie_. The fact that he hadn’t walked in on me and Heikki doing something that isn’t for public consumption was a miracle in itself.

“Sebastian, I assume Heikki is here too?” Mark said as he walked in, looking down on some papers.

“Of course he is, I told you he’d be back,” I told him, stopping short at gloating.

“Yes you did, do you mind if I take a picture?” Mark asked, holding up his phone.

I looked at Heikki, who nodded and moved himself so he could put an arm over my shoulder. “Sure” I said to Mark. Moments later the picture was taken.

“Sebastian, I want you to look at this picture and tell me what you see,” Mark said to me, his voice calm, like he anticipating me to get annoyed. Was my new haircut really that bad? I studied my hair in the picture. It might look a bit flat, but nothing a good shower couldn’t fix. There was a cut on my face, when did I get that? It seemed to have mostly healed so how had I forgotten about it?

“Heikki, when did I cut my face?” I looked at my boyfriend. He would know even if I didn’t, he knew everything about me.

“The accident,” he told me, looking at me like I would know about _the accident._ Which accident? Had I fallen of my bike? Or crashed during free practice and hit my head?

“Which accident?” I asked. How could I have been in an accident and having forgotten all about it?

“You don’t remember?” Mark cut in, he seemed to be studying me.

“No, did I crash during a practice session?” I asked. It was the only thing that made sense, but why didn’t I remember crashing?

“No, but there was a crash,” Mark explained. I must have crashed during qualifying then? Sometimes I pushed too hard during those, how hard had I hit my head, I hoped I didn’t have to skip too many races, it was one of several reasons to why concussions sucked.

“Oh, when?” I asked, looking at Heikki for answers.

“I don’t know Seb,” Heikki said. He looked so sad, was he blaming himself?

“That’s ok, Heikki. Mark will know,” I smiled reassuringly, catching Heikki’s hand in mine before turning back and studying Mark.

“It’s been a while Sebastian,” Mark started, looking at his phone again. I could see him studying the picture he had just taken of me and Heikki. “Can I see the picture?” I asked, suddenly curious to why Mark was more interested in the picture than telling me what had happened. Was the haircut seriously that bad?

When Mark handed me the phone I again studied the scar on my face. It seemed to have healed quite a bit, so I must have been out of it for quite a while. Something was nagging at the back of my mind. I was forgetting something, but what?

“Heikki, why don’t you remember?” I looked at Heikki. I was sure he could explain it to me, he always had the answers.

“I was in the accident too,” he said. His voice was eerily calm. How had Heikki been in my accident? I crashed on the track but had I hurt him too? He should have been protected and he never stood close to the pit stops, so how could we have been in the same accident?

“You were? How?” I asked. I could feel tears streaming down my face, I didn’t want to be the one who had hurt Heikki. I would gladly get in a hundred accidents to avoid Heikki getting hurt just once.

“I don’t know, Seb.” Heikki looked at me, touching my face. I could feel his thumb brushing away my tears. “Please don’t cry _kulta_ ”

“Sebastian, look at the picture,” Mark demanded. Why the hell was he demanding that? I was really getting tired of his antics and I’d rather just go to sleep.

“Can’t we do that later, I just want to sleep.” I was holding back a yawn and I really didn’t understand why he was so hellbent on making me look at the picture.

“Just look at it,” Mark pleaded, holding his phone up for me to see. The scar on my face was still the first thing I noticed, but I also looked really tired and pale. It didn’t seem like I’d spent much time outside lately, which was quite weird. Heikki and I went for a run every day and he demanded we run outside no matter the weather. He kept telling me it was good for me, but I suspected he just liked to torture me. On the screen I could see both my hands in my lap but clearly the lightning was off on my left arm, because it looked like a worse version of Niki’s skin, it was all pink and scarred.

I looked down on my left hand and I started to panic as I saw that it actually looked worse than it did on the small photograph. “How did this happen?” I demanded, holding my hand up to Heikki, hoping it was all just in my head.

“Accident,” Heikki answered, which didn’t really clear anything up.

“What accident?” I demanded, losing patience. What were they hiding from me?

“ _The_ accident Sebastian.” The voice came from where Mark was standing, but somehow it didn’t sound like Mark anymore, same accent, but the voice was wrong.

“Which accident?” I shouted, throwing the phone at the wall. When that didn’t make me feel any better I studied Heikki, intertwining our fingers and letting the familiarity calm me down.

“You don’t remember?” the voice that wasn’t Mark’s asked me with irritating calmness.

“When?” I asked, ignoring the answer, instead looking at Heikki, happy that he seemed to be okay.

“It’s been a while, Sebastian,” the man said. I didn’t know who he was but I wasn’t scared as I knew Heikki would always protect me. I was still feeling apprehensive towards the stranger who had suddenly appeared in my room though. Closing my eyes to calm myself, I counted to ten. Taking a deep breath I opened my eyes, looking up so I could study the stranger.

“Who are you?” I asked. I was getting more and more curious, how had a stranger gotten into the energy station?

“I am your doctor, you can call me Steve,” The stranger, Steve, told me. That explained it, he was here to treat my injuries.

“I see, are you Heikki’s doctor too?” I asked, wanting to know if Heikki had hit his head too, maybe that was why he didn’t remember the accident?

“Sebastian, do you see Heikki right now?” Steve’s calm voice asked, gesturing for me to look around. Turning around to where Heikki had been standing earlier, I saw nothing.

“Where did Heikki go?” I demanded. I hadn’t heard him leave.

“Heikki is gone, Sebastian,” Steve answered, he didn’t seem to be interested in having this conversation with me.

“When will he be back?” I asked, accepting for now that I hadn’t heard him leave the room. Heikki could be very quiet on his feet for such a tall man, especially if he wanted to.

“I don’t know,” Steve slowly said, putting a comforting hand on mine.

“Heikki always comes back, he wouldn’t leave me,” I stated, not wanting to let the issue go. He would come back, the only thing stopping him would be if he didn’t _want_ to come back to me.

“I understand,” Steve answered, why would he tell me that?

“Where is Heikki?” I asked, tears streaming down my face. If they said that he wouldn’t be back, and the only reason he wouldn’t come back was if he had left me, maybe he had never loved me?

“Heikki can’t come to you right now,” Steve explained, taking his hand off my arm. It seemed like he was preparing for me to hit him, like we had done this before, but how could I have forgotten that and what had happened to Heikki?

“No, he was just here,” I stated. How could he be gone?

“Do you remember coming here?” Steve’s annoyingly calm voice said,

“I remember, we made it to the hotel, we had dinner, I remember Heikki telling me he loved me, I remember us getting there safe, nothing happened! You are lying, Heikki will always come back to me!” The words were almost tripping over themselves as I spoke. I would remember it if Heikki was dead, right?

“Do you remember the photo I took?” Steve started. I nodded. Of course I did, why wouldn’t I? “Good, do you remember seeing Heikki in it?” he continued. Of course I saw Heikki, he was standing right behind me.

The doctor bent down to the floor where the phone had landed after I threw it and handed it to me. The screen was cracked, but it seemed to be working. My own eyes were looking back at me, my hair still needed to be cleaned, but on the positive side the scar wasn’t that bad.

“Sebastian, do you see Heikki?” the doctor repeated, focusing on the spot behind me where I knew Heikki had been standing. I saw nothing, just the white wall of my room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter, and as another warning: It is only downhill from here.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _like a shipwreck we die going into ourselves,_  
>  as though we were drowning inside our hearts,  
> as though we lived falling out of the skin into the soul.
> 
>  _Only Death_ by Pablo Neruda

“Heikki, we’re ready for the race right?” I asked as we got seated on the plane. Everyone around us were sleeping so we could be slightly more open in our conversation than normally.

“You are always ready,” Heikki stated, putting his hand on top of mine. I turned my hand around so our fingers could intertwine. I would have prefered it if I could have curled up to him, but it wasn’t possible on the plane.

“You make sure of it,” I replied honestly. I didn’t know how I had survived without Heikki in my life.

“You do all the hard work,” Heikki answered before he pulled his hand away. For a moment I was confused, but then I heard Mark shifting in his seat.

********  
It felt like I had been sleeping for days, my entire body was aching and I couldn’t hear the engine sound anymore, maybe the plane had landed? Without opening my eyes I tried to reach out to touch Heikki, who I knew would be beside me, but I couldn’t really move my arm. Had I slept on it?

“Mr. Vettel?” a voice broke through. I didn’t recognize it. Trying to answer them, I started coughing and someone put their arm behind my back. What the fuck had happened? I tried to ask the person, but I couldn’t get my voice to work.

“Mr. Vettel, you have been in an accident,” I had _what? When?_

“Heikki?” I managed to barely whisper. Where was he?  
“Heikki was in the accident too, but I need you to focus on me Mr. Vettel,” the woman said in an annoyingly calm voice. I just wanted to know where Heikki was, I couldn’t focus on anything before they told me what had happened. The beeping in the background that had been slightly annoying before was now getting louder, couldn’t someone just turn that off?

********  
“Mark you can’t blame me for being faster than you!” I was growing tired of Mark’s constant nagging about the _multi 2-1 incident_. It wasn’t my fault I was better than him. He would have done the same, hell he had tried to do the same, he just hadn’t managed to finish the move.

“... you are getting too arrogant for your own good!” Mark answered. He sounded furious.

“Which one of us is a world champion?” I asked, almost regretting my statement, however true, the moment I said it.

“Go fuck yourself, _mate_!” Mark hissed before turning around and walking out of the room, slamming the door, and leaving me to look at our telemetry on my own. Which was also what had started our argument, but that didn’t mean I shouldn’t finish studying them, I had a race to win on Sunday.

********  
“You pubescent idiot, I missed my flight because of you!” Mark stormed up to me at the airport. He didn’t seem to care that someone could overhear us. Christian had told us that if we had another fight in public he’d make us go to twice as many sponsor events during our break. Hopefully he would understand that this time I didn’t start it.

“I haven’t seen you for hours…” I answered, trying to sound as calm as possible.

“You locked me out of the conference room!” Mark answered, which I couldn’t have done, we had the exact same access back at the factory.

“I did not,” I defended myself from the accusation that made no sense.

“When you left the room did you maybe notice a bag?” Mark asked.

“Should I have?” I asked

“I am sure you did this on purpose and now I missed my flight and I can’t get another one before later tonight, which means I won't arrive in Australia before late,” Mark said. He looked less angry and more sad about the prospect of being late. “I was supposed to meet up with my family before the madness started up again.”

“I’m getting a ride with Kimi, there is room for one more,” I answered before I thought it through. I knew how hard it was to be away from your family and how much I looked forward to stealing an hour here and there with them and I couldn’t take that away from Mark.

********  
“Sebastian, you with us?” An unfamiliar voice asked me. It felt like I had both been up for days and just woken up.

“Yes,” I answered, not sure what she wanted from me.

“Do you know where you are?” The lady asked. I looked around, trying to figure out where the hell I was. Everything seemed so white and sterile, almost like a…

“Hospital,” I heard myself whisper.

“Yes, that’s correct, do you remember why?” She asked.

“Accident,” I answered. It was the only logical explanation.

“Yes, do you remember who you were with?” The annoyingly calm voice of what I assumed was my doctor asked me.

“No,” I answered. I was getting annoyed by her questions. I didn’t remember _what_ accident I’d been in, how the fuck did she think I’d remember who I was in it with?

“You were flying to Australia with your friends,” the doctor started explaining.

“Heikki?” I asked, realizing I couldn’t see my boyfriend anywhere in the room. He wouldn’t just leave me alone.

“Heikki was with you, yes,” She clarified, or it sounded like she thought she was, but where was Heikki?

“Heikki?” I repeated. I could hear the steady beeping of a machine grow louder.

“Heikki is in the other room, you can see him later,” The doctor answered, making me calm down a bit. “Mark and Kimi were on the plane with you too, do you remember?” she continued.

At her comment I remembered sitting on the plane. Kimi was in a weirdly good mood, he and Heikki were joking with each other in Finnish while Mark was writing on his computer, ignoring them. “Yes I remember, Mark missed his plane,”

“There is no easy way to tell you this, your plane crashed,” the doctor started. She looked down on her notes for a moment before she looked back up at me. It couldn’t have been too bad though, I was alive. “There was only one survivor.”

There was _what_? She said Heikki was in the other room! “Heikki?” I whispered, and for the first time I was scared to hear the answer.

“I’m so sorry there was only _one_ survivor,” She said, and before I could think, I hit her. I could see blood rushing out of her nose, Heikki would have been proud of my form. He wouldn’t like the fact that I hit someone, even if they deserved it. I couldn’t wait to tell him about this.

********  
“I’m so sorry, we will keep trying, to snap him out of it, but Sebastian isn’t ready,” Steve explained after walking out of Sebastian’s room and spotting Christian.

“Can’t you just medicate him? You made him stop hallucinating before,” Christian pleaded, sounding completely broken, which when Steve thought about it wasn’t especially odd as he had lost both his drivers in the same day, even if Sebastian was still alive.

“No we can’t _just_ medicate him, and as you know we can only stop him hallucinating for short periods of time and you know how he reacts when he realizes Heikki is dead,” Steve explained in calm but sure tones, trying to make Christian understand that there wouldn’t be any way to fix Sebastian just yet maybe _ever_.

“Then make him understand? Sebastian is strong, we need him back,” Christian demanded, his normal calm exterior cracking further. Red Bull’s team principal was breaking down in front of Steve. He hoped Christian had someone to take care of him during this.

“We have tried Mr. Horner, we are still trying, but his brain might have been more damaged than we know,” Steve answered, he hadn’t completely given up on Sebastian just yet, but he knew it would take months, maybe even years to make the former world champion get to a place that was even close to normal.

“How can’t you know?” Christian asked, crossing his arms.

“We can’t know if his hallucinations are because of the physiological or physical damage, it is more likely both,” Steve answered. He had explained this to Christian before too, but it didn’t seem to stick.

“You are supposed to be the best, fix it,” Christian demanded, sounding more like a team boss than he had for the entire conversation. Steve knew that the other man was just putting on a facade he was used to, being a team principal was something Christian knew how to do, this on the other hand was uncharted territory.

“Even if we can make him stop hallucinating completely that doesn’t mean it is a guarantee that he will be able to handle everything, you might have to be prepare yourself for that,” Steve answered instead, ignoring Christian’s demand.

“He can handle it, he is strong,” Christian stated. He seemed to not want to think about any other possibility.

“He might or he might not,” Steve answered, preparing himself to walk into Sebastian’s room again, privately thinking that Sebastian would be better off in his own little made up world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it's done, or as finished as it will ever be. There was some more scenes in this but we couldn't make them work.

**Author's Note:**

> If you have any questions, requests or just want to know when the next update is posted and prefer to use Tumblr. for those kinds of things, we are [here.](http://honorandfish.tumblr.com/)
> 
>  **Disclaimer** No money is made, the characters only share a name with real people, I am not in any way shape or form saying that either of them has done any of what I have written.


End file.
